Yesterday Bookman and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. Has it been 20 years already? It seems like we just got married not that long ago. We’ve been married for just shy of half my life and I’ve known him for over half. I am both amazed and comforted by that.
So we spent the day celebrating. We have never been ones for doing anything fancy and this was no different. We went out to breakfast at our favorite vegan cafe. I had a “super green tofu earth,” which means hash brown potatoes, onions, tofu, broccoli, and soy cheese with a slice of toast that had tahini on it. Bookman had a super red tofu earth, which is the same but has salsa instead of broccoli. And coffee. More coffee than I should have had, but it was a special ocassion. We puttered around the house a bit. We read and relaxed. We went to a bookstore. Bookman found a biography of Bram Stoker by Barbara Belford. He somehow ferreted out a 1981 printing of Virginia Woolf’s Between the Acts from Hogarth Press that has a cover using the original design created by Vanessa Bell. I found a NYRB Classic copy of The Invention of Morel by Adolfo Bioy Casares. And we both agreed that we needed a copy of Jose Saramago’s The Notebook. And that was our celebration. Oh, we slept on our new mattress from Ikea. Our old mattress was over 20 years old (we lived together before getting married) and we figured it was about time for a new one. We got a latex mattress from Ikea and some new bedding to go with it. Oh, it is heavenly!
It only seems appropriate that I mention a little book, essay really, by Ann Patchett called What Now? Richard from Marks in the Margin was flabbergasted when I mentioned to him that I had never read Patchett. He suggested I read What Now? given my recent library school graduation so I borrowed it from the library. The essay is derived from a graduation speech Patchett gave at Sarah Lawrence college a number of years ago. And while it may have been intended for new, young graduates, it is an essay that is a good reminder for anyone really.
She talks about how when she was graduating from high school everyone would ask her “what now?” and it infuriated her. She went off to college thinking no one would ever ask her that question again because how do you answer it when you don’t know? She wanted to be a novelist, wasn’t that good enough? But as college graduation drew near people began asking her again, what now? And here she is all these years later and people still ask, what now? But she has come to terms with the question and her uncertainty because when you stop asking what now? you stop growing as a person. Not knowing the answer is not a bad thing. “Even if you have it all together you can’t know where you’re going to end up,” she writes. And even if you have a plan, just because things don’t go like you wanted or expected them to, just because you end up at point D instead of point B, doesn’t necessarily mean that things have gone all wrong. Sometimes what seems like the wrong place turns out to be the right one after all.
I moved to Minnesota because I was going to get a Ph.D. from the University of Minnesota. I never even took a class there but moving to Minnesota turned out to be better than we ever imagined. I never guessed that I was good at computers but when my boss at the time asked me to take charge of the office’s technology I discovered a whole new interest and talent and learned a lot not just about computers but myself too. And library school? Until about five years ago the thought had never entered my mind. But I had come to a place in life where I asked, what now? And now I am asking it again and I have no idea what the answer will be.
Twenty-two years ago when I met my Bookman I had no idea that I would marry him. I wasn’t interested in getting married. He was a nice guy, kind of goofy, and we went out on a date and it was fun. Then we went out on another date and another. And pretty soon a month had gone by, longer than I had ever dated anyone before, and I thought, what now? I decided I liked him and we’d keep dating and just see what happened and before I knew it six months had gone by and April arrived and it was close to my birthday and Bookman picked me up after class on a Thursday night (I was in grad school) and when we got to his car he gave me a ring and asked if I would marry him someday. I was so surprised by the ring that my hearing went wonky and I thought he had asked me to marry him on Sunday! From the look on my face he realized I had misheard him and he quickly said, Someday! Someday! Someday happened about a year and a half later, but you know what? I think I would have married him Sunday.
At last you read it. Great! Keep asking What Now? It’s a perennial question. And keep reading Patchett; she’s a fine story teller.
Awwwwwwwwwww!! *melt* Congratulations you guys! Here’s to another 20 and another 20 after that!
LOL! Thanks so much for the ‘what now.’ I’m turning 69 soon and am again asking ‘what now’ in retirement. Sometimes the best places to end up are the ones you never expected – the Point D’s. Happy anniversary. My husband and I have been married 46 years and still going strong.
Congratulations. Being married to wonderful person is one of the coolest things EVER.
Great post Stefanie and congratulations on 20 years. You’re right, “what now” is relevant throughout our lives, both at those times of transition and, really, any time. Sometimes I think I should have asked it of myself more often. Not that I’m unhappy with my lost, because I’m not, but because the act of asking makes you stop and think for a little about your life and what you are doing. It’s easy to be caught up in the day-to-day and let those thoughts be pushed to the back all the time.
And I agree with Kathleen. Retirement is another very important time for “What now” partly because the opportunities for “What nows” are quickly receding!
What a great story – I love the someday/sunday confusion!
Congratulations on twenty years!
Happy Anniversary!!
What a great story! Happy anniversary to both of you and enjoy the next adventure (not to mention the new ikea bed!)
This is sweet. It’s nice to know a bit more about you.
Happy anniversary!
‘What now?’ is great for times when you have at least some control. To allay my anxieties when I feel I don’t have much control (and, these days, I think most of us feel we have less and less control of our lives), I remember a line from the book Cosmic Banditos: ‘It will be interesting to see what happens next.”
My husband and I have been together for almost 40 years (2/3 of my life!). We’ve had a latex mattress for years and we love it! Sweet dreams!
What a great post! It sounds like your anniversary celebration suited both of you perfectly. I love the last line of your post.
Richard, thanks! I’ll keep asking and keep reading.
Sylvia, thanks!
Kathleen, thanks! And congrats on your 46 years! Retirement is definitely one of those big what now transitions. I hope your what now brings you lots of contentment.
Justin, thanks. It is pretty cool
Whisperinggums, thanks! I think part of the trouble is that when we are young we, I, was given the impression that once you have everything mapped out you ride along an collect the rewards. But life isn’t like that and I am glad. I wish I had known that sooner though it certainly would have made things easier!
rhapsodyinbooks, thanks! We still joke about that little confusion after all these years.
Jennie, thank you!
Smithereens, thank you! We have discovered that Ikea makes a great mattress.
Ellen, thanks!
You know, Stefanie, I don’t know whether it was that we were “given” the impression or whether it was just that older people “seemed” to know everything ad “seemed” on top of their lives that we deduced that once you have a partner and job it’s all easy from there! Little did we know … and, in some ways, it might be better that way, because sometimes, when I talk to younger people who are struggling, I worry that by suggesting that life never really is settled that they may think it isn’t worth it. My take with them is that life always has challenges (some good/easy, some hard) but that you get better at managing them (at least that’s our goal!).
Let’s split the difference
My babyboomer parents were of the era where you work for one company your entire life and then retire with a nice pension. If either of them ever questioned what they were doing they never let on. And so I always thought that once I figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up I’d have it made. My parents are genuinely baffled by all the different jobs I’ve had and my decision to go to library school. Yet, I had a boss once who told me that it is right and natural for a person to change jobs every 3-5 years and she kindly wrote me a glowing reference for my library school application. So maybe it’s a generational thing?
You’re probably right that generation has something to do with it … though I guess I’m talking less about jobs and more about personal stuff, that sense of being in charge of your life. I thought it was simpler than it turned out to be. Get a job and get married (find a partner) and I’d never have a worry again! Ha! Not quite that easy I found!
Congrats Stefanie and Bookman! That’s a really lovely story. Even though I only know you virtually I think you guys are the coolest couple! Seeing as I am constantly asking myself ‘what now’, I’m glad I am not alone or have all the answers sorted out. Actually this is a question where if I could cheat to find the answer I might happily do so, but alas that won’t work either!
Looks like you have some great new books to celebrate with.
OMG I LOVE your story!! I’m in tears reading – it was so moving. Congrats on 20 yrs – it sounds like you had the perfect day celebrating. Next time you go to your favorite vegan cafe I’d like pictures of your “super green tofu earth,”! Just curious what it looks like first, & tastes like 2nd! I love your Minnesota story & how things worked out for you. I aspire to read all of Saramago’s books. I just love his style/writing.
Will you marry me SUNDAY? hahahah! and you would have
Thanks for being a great pen pal & sharing your experiences. It’s just GREAT!
Joan, “It will be interesting to see what happens next” I like that! Congrats on your near 40 years! Doesn’t it just fly by? We are seriously liking the latex mattress!
Jenclair, thanks! It was indeed a wonderful celebration
Danielle, thanks! It is sort of comforting knowing that asking what now all the time is something everyone does isn’t it? though, like you, I wouldn’t mind sometimes if someone handed me the answer
Helen, thanks! and thank you too for being such a wonderful pen pal who regularly brightens my day
I will try to remember to take a photo of my super green tofu earth next time!
Congratulations on your wedding anniversary to you and Bookman. Wish I could browse your Virginia Woolf shelf..
Congratulations on your 20 years, it sounded like a perfect way to celebrate, just doing things you enjoy. It has been 35 years for us and it has gone in a flash. I hope all your ‘what nows’ turn out to be great, whatever they may be!
Congratulations! That’s wonderful. Your celebration day sounds great to me — a quiet day involving eating and book shopping sounds perfect!
What an adorable story! I love it that you thought he wanted to get married on Sunday – lol! And I love that question, what now? It seems to me I often get asked it when we are all in a pickle, as in Help! What do we do now? But it’s altogether better when it arises in times of calm, and you can actually take a look at the horizon and see what might be on it. I used to be manic about fixing up masses of things to happen next, but these past few years I’ve learned a lot better how to trust to the unfolding of life. Whatever it is that arrives next, it usually comes in its own good time. I hope what’s next for you is more of the same, as it sounds like you and the bookman have just a delightful life for yourselves all figured out.
Lovely post – congratulations! And I am going to buy the Patchett book for my husband for X-mas.
Happy anniversary! And congratulations, too.
What a super sweet story. Congratulations, you two! And “What Now?” is always a good question… I rarely have the answer to it, but that’s not really the point, is it?
Ann Patchett is a favorite — you ought to read The Magician’s Assistant.
We have a latex mattress and it’s just the best.
Enjoy!
What a great story! Happy Anniversary!!!!!
Congratulations! Coincidentally, I’m just writing a review of The Invention of Morel…
Such a wonderful story. It has brightened my day and reminded how grateful I am for 40 years with my DH.
Congratulations indeed.
Catharina, thanks! And if you are ever in the neighborhood, you are welcome to come over an browse by Woolf shelf and all my other shelves too!
Katrina, thank you! congrats on your own 35 years. I suspect that when the 50th comes along it will still seem like just yesterday.
Rebecca, thanks! what better way to celebrate anything really than food and books?
Litlove, thank you! I am familiar too with the what now asked while in a pickle. It’s nice and good to ask it in time of calm once in awhile though, proactive instead of reactive. Big picture instead the details. Glad you have managed to relax from your manic fixing up, that must have created loads od stress!
Amy, thanks! Hope the book makes a good Christmas present!
Dana, thanks do much!
Daphne, thanks! You are right, the answer to what now isn’t necessarily the point. Adding Magician’s Assistant to the list. I remember when you got your latex mattress and was actually thinking about you when we decided to go with latex. It is quite cozy!
Inkslinger, thank you!
Simon, thanks! I hope you liked Invention of Morel. I will pop over and read your review.
Ana, thank you and thanks for you kind words. Congrats on your own 40 years!
Whisperinggums, true. I thought when I was a kid that once you figured out your career everything else would fall into place all on its own. I did deny the evidence though when I think about it since several friends had parents who got divorced. I suppose even if someone told me when I was younger that nothing is ever settled I wouldn’t have wanted to believe it, that’s too scary!
That’s it, I think, we “wanted” to believe it would all be settled once those goals were achieved!
I still find myself wishing that were the case but it never is of course. Makes me appreciate the weeks/months and occasional years that are calm and easy.
Aw, what a great story. I love the Sunday/Someday confusion, how sweet.
Rebecca, thanks!