I’ve been writing letters of all kinds since I learned how to hold a pencil. My mom was a great enforcer of the thank-you note for Christmas and birthdays and any other kind of gift. I am so well drilled in thank you notes that when I got married we had every single note sent out within two weeks. I had international pen pals as a kid and when I went off to college I wrote to my parents and grandma and the friends I’d left back home. I still write my grandma and my freshman college roommate and I have a wonderful correspondence and my friend whom I have known since I was five sends a letter once or twice a year.
All this to say I have experience writing letters. They are not a new and unfamiliar thing for me. But when I recently began corresponding with three new pen pals I had a moment of panic. I want them all to like me and want them all to love getting letters from me and so there must be books on how to write interesting letters that will make other people want to write back because there are few things more sad than the death of a promising correspondence.
Of course after reading through Why Write Letters, For the Love of Letters, Just Write, and The Pleasures of Staying in Touch I know how silly I have been. I could be exchanging letters with the Unabomber and I would be happy. I don’t expect anything dazzling from the people who write me and I suspect they don’t expect anything dazzling from me either.
My grandma’s letters are about the most everyday things–going to Bible study, watering the fruit trees, and the nice thing the neighbor did for her the other day. I absolutely adore them. She told me several months ago that she loves it when I write about my cats, Waldo and Dickens. My college friend tells me she loves it when I write about gardening because she likes to picture me in the floppy gardening hat she gave me tending to the flowers or picking strawberries.
So why did I get anxious about writing letters? The best book among the four, The Pleasures of Staying in Touch turned on the lightbulb. Letter writing is about relationships. Letters hold an intimacy that is hard to match in any other way than being in the same room with the other person. When you receive a letter, you receive a handmade gift. It is an act of generosity and friendship. What I was really nervous about was not the letter writing but the forging of new friendships. After I realized that, everything made sense and the letter writing books became quite entertaining.
What I found most amusing was the progression of blame for why people no longer write letters. A book written in 1960 blamed the typewriter. A book from the early 1990s blames the telephone. The two books published after 2000 blame email. I’m sure these all played a contributing role, but I’ll bet that if anyone cared to look hard, there are other reasons that are more central and not quite as easy to name.
All of the books talk about why one would want to write a letter and how to go about writing different kinds of letters from love letters to condolence letters. Letter writing manuals have been around for as long as people have been writing letters so these books fit into an illustrious history. I think the best advice I gleaned from them is that writing a letter is like any other kind of writing, it is just a different form. And how does one get good at writing? Practice! And of course, along with practice one should also read good writing. In this case, read collections of letters from those famous for them:
- Jane Austen
- John Cheever
- Colette
- Emily Dickinson
- Katherine Mansfield
- Rainer Maria Rilke and Magda von Hattingberg
- Madame de Sévigné
- Virginia Woolf
- Heloise and Abelard
There are many many more I am sure so if you’d like to make a recommendation, please do.
One more thing I enjoyed about these books, they are all sprinkled with quotes from famous people about the pleasures of letters, quips about letters, wishes for their letters, and the desire for the recipient to please write back soon.
Now that I have got through the letter writing books, I am on to the handwriting books. It appears that handwriting requires practice too.
I have to check these out — now I’m thinking about writing letters of all sorts, to all sorts of people. I just bought a calligraphy book, too — in hopes that I can improve my regular handwriting!!
(and ps: you have nothing to worry about!)
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Your books sound great! I used to love writing letters. I had all sorts of penpals, and I even met some of them. Now sadly I have lost touch with nearly all of them. This makes me want to pull out my old letters and try and contact my old friends. You’ll have to share with us how your new correspondence is going, too!
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I’m a terrible letter writer, but I’ll happily send anyone an email. I noticed that the chain of blame moves its way through different mediu of communication, each of which brings the other person either nearer (phone) or within swifter reach (email). People are just trying to keep contact, keep intimate, and making use of all the variety of ways to do so. Alas here in the UK it is so expensive to send stuff through the post, the internet and the phone win out. But there is something special about receiving a proper letter and I admire you and the other letter-writing bloggers very much!
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I agree with litlove that postal costs in the UK do tend to channel contact through emails etc.
I am also finding that rather than correspond regularly more people are doing the once a year ’round robin’ update of their family and own lives which really misses the point of letter writing. In my view letters should be like a radio serial in that you cannot wait for the next instalment!
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Letter writing is a lost art for most of us. I know I’m guilty of not writing as many letters as I should. I love that you point out some of the collections of letters that you’ve read. I love reading these myself, and you can learn so much about a person and a time period from reading letters. Thanks for the encouragement. I need to start writing more.
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I don’t think you should worry about your pen pals liking you at all. I would note that sometimes pen friendships don’t work, after all, not unlike regular friendships. Sometimes I find that I really don’t “click” with a person, or we have completely different expectations of the pen friendship. I’ve been dropped because my letters were too long, too short, sent too frequently, not sent frequently enough, etc.
Overall, whatever happens isn’t a reflection on you as a person, any more than whether a potential in-person friendship blossoms.
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I love to get letters and I probably still have most of them I have received. Bound together with ribbons and set into boxes. I have them from grade school days, from friends who went away on summer vacations, love letters from boyfriends and husband (not at the same time!), teachers, family. When I get nostalgic, I take them out and read them. Sometimes I get weepy. I sent a letter to my former college roommate at Christmas, she wrote me back (e-mail by the way) to tell me she broke into tears just to see my handwriting again. Someone takes the time to sit down with paper and ink – to pass their hand across a page and talk to you. Plus, the anticipation of going to the mailbox and the joy of finding a letter there – nothing like it.
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I used to write a lot of letters too and had penpals (that’s how my husband and I met, actually) but life just seems to have gotten so busy in the past years. Maybe that’s an excuse. I don’t know. When I think about all the letter writing I used to do, I remember how fun it was and even better what a treat it was to receive a letter.
Have fun corresponding with your new penpals!
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I am confident that any letter from you should please anyone! I really admire your style. Some other great letter writers are John Keats, Algernon Swinburne, and the letters amongst the Mitford sisters are very juicy for Mitford junkies (as I am).
Another great post!
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Daphne, I know, I feel a letter addiction beginning to form. We’ll have to compare handwriting notes. I have no problem reading your writing but it is fun to play around with. And thanks! You’re a sweetie!
Danielle, I sometimes wonder how the lives of my international pen pals turned out. And isn’t it fun to read old letters? I will be sure to mention in a month or two how the correspondence is going.
Litlove, it is interesting how the blame moves, isn’t it? I imagine in a few years someone will say texting keeps people from writing letters. Postage is going up again here in May. Letters under an ounce aren’t so bad but packages are getting expensive.
Bob, I get letters like that in Christmas cards. Aren’t they dreadful? I like your metaphor of letters being like a radio serial! 🙂
Lisa, I have been guilty of going months before answering a letter. I am turning over a new leaf. The voyeur in me loves reading published books of letters.
Maria, you are so kind and thank you for your words of wisdom. You are right, pen friendships are like other kinds of friendships. So far mine are going swimmingly and I hope they continue so.
Grad, my old letters are bound with rubberbands in boxes. One of these days I will get ambitious and change over to ribbon. It is fun looking through them now and then and remembering. Too bad your friend didn’t respond with a handwritten letter, but it must have been nice to hear back from her anyway. And you are right, finding a letter in the mailbox is a joy like no other.
Iliana, life does get busy, doesn’t it? I am finding letter writing to be a nice break from the busy, a chance to slow down and breath a little.
Natalie, thank you, you are very kind! And thanks for the letter writers to add to my list.
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The only BAD way to write a letter is to use boilerplate and send the same letter to 10 people. I’ve had would-be penfriends do that, and I’ve always said “no thank you.” I write to a person, and that person deserves my attention.
Truman Capote’s letters are amazing, as are those of Elizabeth Bishop.
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Stefanie, you’re inspiring me. One day soon I’m going to have to sit down and write a letter!
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I keep up an intermittent correspondence with my aunt, but I find it difficult to stop and summarize my recent life. That’s partly due to my memory problems, but also I get so wrapped up in the details of today that it’s hard to get an overall view of where I am and where I’ve been. This happens in conversation too. Someone asks me how things are and I’ll babble on about what’s on my mind now and completely forget about last week’s big news. Hmm, maybe I should use Twitter more and then refer to that!
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Hmmm…I think I’d better start reading some of those collections from famous writers, and maybe I should have read some books on letter-writing (you’re such a good librarian!). I was just like you when I started: worried about writing to strangers and wondering whether or not they would like me and want to write back especially since two of the people I pulled out of the hat do not have blogs). It’s no surprise I started with the one I happen to know in real life and then moved on to the ones with blogs before getting to the two who don’t have blogs. But it’s gotten better, and I’m already beginning to think how silly it was of me to agonize so much.
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Melanie, oh that would be bad, wouldn’t it? There really is not point in writing letters then. At least it takes all the fun out of getting them.
Wil, I am certain whoever the lucky person is who gets that letter will be thrilled!
Sylvia, that doesn’t seem like such a bad thing. Your letters are probably very vibrant and in the moment. That would be an interesting use of Twitter. Or you could keep a journal for the more private things.
Emily, I’m sure your letters are delightful, but it is always fun to pick up new tips and techniques whenever possible. It’s funny, I don’t recall being nervous about making pen friends when I was a kid. Maybe it is an adult thing? And it seems like I have a knack for this librarian stuff 😉
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Your point about letter-writing really being about relationships makes sense, and that does make writing to a stranger seem less intimidating — or at least it makes the intimidation a little more familiar and understandable. And what a great list of famous letter-writers. I don’t think I’ve read a collection of letters before, and I’ll have to make a point of doing so.
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Stefanie, you inspired me to write to my aunt! I complained about snow… 😉
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Dorothy, being able to fit the experience into something more familiar does help. I haven’t read many collections of letters, but the ones I have read were wonderful. They are sort of like reading diaries except you usually get both sides of the story instead of just one.
Sylvia, yay! Your aunt will be so happy! I hope you had fun. If I were to write a letter right now I would complain of snow too. Hope yours melts fast and you have pollen blowing around again soon!
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F. Scott Fitzgerald’s collected letters is wonderful. The letters to his daughter I find are the most heartfelt. Enjoy.
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beleiver, really? Excellent! I will add him to the list! Thanks!
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