I had the best laid plans to write an essay on some of the things Azar Nafisi writes about in her fantastic introduction to The Republic of the Imagination (still reading and still enjoying!) because I have lately found echoes in other things I have been reading. Unfortunately I just haven’t had the time to spend to think about it and bring it all together yet. And here forms a dilemma.
I might have the time this coming weekend. But I might not. Do I wait and see?
The more time that passes between when I had the urge to write solely about the introduction and some of its ideas, the less enthusiastic I become about it. As if it is somehow dated even though it is not. Really it is a matter of being distracted from the original idea and pulled in other directions.
And of course the longer the distance between the original idea and its execution, the more I begin to doubt I could really write something worthwhile. If I had just managed to dash something off when I had thought about it first, I would not have had time to dwell on whether I could do any kind of justice to it. My inner critic (whose name is Zelda by the way and who can be a real bitch sometimes) has had too much time to whisper in my ear and make me self-conscious about what I wanted to say.
All of this — distractions, time, Zelda — swirls around in my head and creates a great confusion and a growing resistance to even wanting to try to write anything about the introduction. I have turned it into something bigger than I had intended, something more than “just a blog post.” Then emotions start to get stirred in too, why not? A big slice of uncertainty, a couple dashes of guilt, a pinch of disappointment, a flake of bravado. It makes quite a gumbo!
Things like this are why I don’t ever try to write anything besides blog posts. Sure, I consider it from time to time, but it never goes beyond that because gumbo.
Now after this little confession what do I do? Do I try to write something this weekend, results be damned? Or do I let go and move on? Part of me suspects this little, whatever this is, is an attempt to keep myself from moving on. Also, it is me trying to make an excuse for moving on.
I don’t talk much about my own writing on this blog and now you can see why. I am completely mental about it. I know a lot of people feel that way about their writing but we are all special in our own mental minefields, aren’t we?
So will there be a post next week about literature and imagination and censorship and culture? I don’t know. I’ll have to wait and see who wins this one, me or Zelda and the gumbo.
You know, I am a midwife and cheerleader for writers and have taught writing since 1983. One of the things I know about it is that you have to try it. You have to, as Anne Lamott says, come up with a “shitty first draft.” And then you have to continue to, as Peter Elbow says, separate your creative impulse from your critical eye for a while. Put Zelda to bed with a cup of tea. Carouse around in your mental space without her and see if you can have any fun. Then decide if you want to share any of it with any part of the world.
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Jeanne, I love the idea of being a midwife to writers! What a marvelous description! And very good advice, thank you. I know these things but knowing and doing are two separate pieces that sometimes don’t meet up. I think your students are very lucky to have you 🙂
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I know how you feel – in fact recently over the last one year, I have been drifting further and further away from writing; but this is quite funny and coincidental. I was in your zone till Monday and then I saw something yesterday and I was like – what the hell…I am just going to write whatever comes to my mind and when its all put together, I will critique it! i think the idea is to just do it – we will never find the perfect place or time to actually sit down in an idyllic environment and pen our words. Real life will intrude, which is why I think, we need to just write when inspiration strikes and we can always format, edit, even research later! Atleast that is what i have been trying to do lately!
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cirtnecce, writing produces such weird mental contortions and emotions, doesn’t it? I wonder why that is? Is it performance anxiety? Is it that writing is seen as such a personal expression no matter what kind it might be? You are right there will never be the perfect time or place and it is something that I just need to sit down and do and not worry about it. Most of the time I manage, but then times like this one pop up now and then and I get too think-y about it and it all goes to hell! It’s nice to know I am not alone though 🙂 Thanks for the encouraging words!
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Such a great description, Stefanie, of being a writer. I once earned my living as a writer, but I decided it was too stressful and paid too little. Even just writing this response makes me a bit anxious. I know that as soon as I press “Post Comment”, I’ll feel that this could have been written better! But, here goes!
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Joan, you are so kind 🙂 It is unfortunate that it is so difficult to earn a living from writing no matter what kind it is. It’s an important skill and everyone appreciates good writing but no one wants to pay for it. No need to be anxious about writing a comment though, but I totally understand because I’ve been there before too!
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I am going to take Jeane’s comment to heart. The only problem remaining now is that there’s not only a Zelda who I need to put to bed. She always is with a bunch of guys hanging out with her.
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Cath, oh you made me laugh! When your inner critic invites friends over you know you are in a bad way! Zelda doesn’t often have house parties, thank goodness, she manages to torment just fine on her own. Good luck!
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I say YOU will win! Vanquish the gumbo. I would love to read this post you are so hesitating to write! 🙂
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Thanks for the encouragement Mary!
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I do hope that having teased us with the idea of what you thought about writing that you will now get on and do it. It’s just not fair to keep us dangling….I do sympathise though. I get brilliant ideas when I’m lying awake in the morning pretending I don’t have to get up. By the time I do, the idea doesn’t sound half so good.
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BookerTalk, sorry for the tease! I’m going to giving it a go so we’ll see how it turns out. My brilliant ideas usually arrive in the shower or on the bus and like your early morning pretending to sleep ideas, they don’t always hold up by the time I get to give them a good look. As frustrating as it is though, at least we get ideas, right? And sometimes they actually are good 🙂
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Maybe you just need a little time to think about it all and let it percolate! Sometimes I think if I don’t write about a book right away when I finish I will completely lose the thread and can’t do it later. If I do try I notice I do lose some of the detail, but it is amazing what lingers in the mind and it can be fun to pull it all out again and let it rise to the surface and try and talk about it in a meaningful way. Anyway, good luck with Zelda!
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Danielle, sometimes time is my enemy because I start to think about it too much and then Zelda gets interested and has to give her two cents worth. You do make a good point though about things that linger and allowing them to rise to the surface. We’ll see what happens!
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I love the idea of naming your inner critic!
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biblioglobal, heh, thanks. I can’t remember if it was a class I took or a book I read that suggested naming your inner critic and then “negotiating” ground rules. At first I worried that naming would give the impulse too much power but it actually makes it easier to dismiss the inner critic. It’s kind of a cool technique.
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I second biblioglobal about naming Zelda. Now, the gumbo… it looks like a mess but it’s really tasty and so worth the try. So, if the subject of the essay stays in your mind long enough, that just might means that you care enough to give it a try… go for the shitty first draft!
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Smithereens, Zelda got her name when I was either taking a writing class or reading a book that encouraged name and character creation in order to make it easier to negotiate terms as well as dismiss that critical voice. It works surprisingly well for the most part. Thanks for the encouragement! I believe I will be having some gumbo this weekend 🙂
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I second everything Jeanne says. Get Zelda out of the way – inner critics are all well and good but they get above themselves far too easily. It’s also essential to allow yourself to make mistakes and write imperfectly at first. If I said to you, But Stef, every sentence I write has to be perfect and say something properly meaningful or else there’s no point, what would you say to me, hmmm? Quite. The thing to bear in mind is that you can write a compost heap of a paragraph and it doesn’t make you less able to write – that’s just how it came out the first time around, and it’s amazing in writing how many times you have to do something wrong in order to see how to do it right. Thankfully, words are cheap. I find reading about other writers really cheers me. Joseph Conrad, for instance, used to spend the whole day searching for the right word and often ended up with his head on his desk moaning in despair. When Colette’s husband took her scribbled notes from her and turned them into a neat, orderly plan, she burst into tears, only able to write things not knowing where they were headed. Now that’s writing! 🙂
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Litlove, darn you for using reverse psychology! It is cheering reading about other writers. If they in their genius had similar troubles then it makes it harder to feel so bad–I’m in good company! Looks like I will be doing some writing this weekend and perhaps there might be some shiny gems in there somewhere. Thanks for the encouragement!
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First, Jeanne, you are brilliant and wise! What great advice!
Second, have you read Anne Boyer on not writing? Will this help or hinder? I don’t know, but I enjoyed it so much I’ve ordered her book (which might be your cup of tea too) (or Zelda’s). http://www.bookforum.com/pubdates/14813
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Helen, I had not seen the Boyer article. It’s beautiful and brilliant! Thank you! I think I am going to have to get myself a copy of the book as well 🙂
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